The Official Area Ratings

All these football polls…the latest one’s just in,
Unlike all the others…this one don’t pick ten,
Let’s be somewhat elite…and choose only five,
And so away we go…to see who did survive.

First off I’d like to say…that some will disagree,
Can’t get our heads together…on who number one should be,
So without further ado…let’s get right to the matter,
This one is official…all precedent it will shatter.

Rated fifth the Elgood Elephants…they’ve had their ups and downs,
Even with their size advantage…to a man six-thousand pounds,
They finished on a high note…but that was in the cards,
When their man passed the ball…it sailed four-hundred yards.

Fourth are the Stockpen cowboys…a mean and real tough bunch,
They eat nails for breakfast…and football teams for lunch,
Their big D is really strong…having many quarterback sacks,
Ditto for the offense…using bulls for running backs.

Third are the Oakvale Owls…they don’t just sit and hoot,
They can fly with the ball…and they’re so wise to boot,
But a word here and now…don’t play ‘em in their park,
Cause they ain’t got no lights…they see so well in the dark.

How about them Penvir Pumas…we’ll hafta’ rate ‘em second,
And knowing again next year…with them we’ll need to reckon,
They’ll be a real big threat…get their points in a batch,
And when down in a pileup…they do know how to scratch.

Now to the moment…that all pollsters dread,
To choose number one…the team’s that’s out ahead,
But this one is easy…with all their quality points,
They have inhuman strength…and mercury in their joints.

It is the Ada Apes…they left everyone a gapin,’
They use no pads at all…and show disdain for tapin,’
Their strong point is defense…you can’t run on them,
They take an opponent apart…rip him limb from limb.

If you don’t know where Ada is…think maybe they’re not real,
How on earth could they miss… being so close to Bluefield,
So hats off to the Apes…I mean this as no pun,
No other in the world…is even near number one.

                                                                      M.L. Wilkinson

                                                                     October, 1977