9

         Wielding a wild machete, I was, in a nonchalant manner of course,  chopping my way thru extremely dense vegetation of the Brazilian rainforest. And then, by gum, it happened.

          For the uninitiated, rainforests are not places of light. They’re spooky and dark as dungeons. Not one ray of sunlight can penetrate that thick canopy of foliage 200 feet above a damp jungle floor. 

          This undergrowth of the Amazon was by far the greatest obstacle I encountered on my round-the-world journey. The Himalayan range, Sahara desert, and those briny expanses called oceans were mere child’s play by comparison. Yup, from Peru eastward to the South Atlantic my progress was slowed considerably.

          On most continents I’d averaged better than 100 miles per day. A respectable pace, possible only if one is willing to trudge forward 24 hours per day each and every day. No time for sleep, coffee-breaks, daydreaming, or respites of any sort. The weary traveler must be in constant motion, moving relentlessly forward regardless of circumstances ( even them there “exten-u-ating” types). A pair of key words are worth remembering when the odds seem overwhelming…fortitude and perseverance.

          Here in the Amazon that average had been trimmed to about 75 miles each 24 hour period, and that paltry distance only by exerting strenuous effort. Listen here pilgrim, hacking a trail thru trees, vines, brush, shrubs and thick reeds is tiring labor.

          I heartily recommend a 5 year interval between each walking tour of the globe, the only kind affordable for paupers. Three years fer rest and recuperation, two years for planning and gathering provisions for the next grueling trek ( the planning stage consists mainly of seeking financial donations and contributions ). To purchase them thar provisions

          One should pause and consider the dire consequences before entering a rainforest. These are not friendly confines…you will not be greeted as a long-lost buddy. The Amazon is an especially harsh environment, really hostile. It asks no quarter…gives none!

          Anacondas were abundant and an awful annoyance. Awesome alligators abounded, patrolled every mile of the Amazon and it’s tributaries. Heed my advice…don a coat of armor before wimming in these waters. The durn things are bulky and cumbersome but…better safe than sorry.

           Lousy lecherous leeches latched onto my limbs and loved to linger a long time. Don’t allow ‘em to homestead on your body, knock those loathsome bloodsuckers away. They’ll drain yer strength in record time, leave you completely sapped of vim, vitality, vigor and vinegar ( perhaps some readers are fed up to the gills with the silliness on display here. They might wish at this time to purchase a newspaper and read the classified ads, obits, sports or society pages. The inaneness will, no doubt, grow progressively worse as we plod steadily onward thru the dark Amazon.

         Tarantulas prevented tedium, but brought terror. Venomous insects proved irksome and irritating. The predatory jaguar, he of tawny coat and black spots, was never more than a few feet away. This caused heightened apprehension because of my terrible aversion toward felines. I simply detest bird-killing cats…ugh!! Nothing is safe when they prowl.

         Actually, I did take one timeout while in the matted Amazon. Glancing at my tattered map, some quick calculations were made. Good golly man, I wuz 840 miles from the nearest outpost of civilization!

         Funny, odd…really strange. That faint point of light just ahead. What might be it’s source?…

10

         “From wherest might that light be emanating?” I remember thinking how strange the wording of that question must have sounded. Born in the Hungry Hollow section of Narrows, I normally speak the dialect of that region.

         But fear and uncertainty can cause all sorts of abnormalities, even the phrasing of simple questions. Moments of anxiety can bring strange reactions, even the manner of one’s speech. Fright will cause the abnormal to become the norm. Being scared out your wits will cause you to act unwittingly.

         I greatly fear “the unknown,” in this case a glaring light where no light should have been. Nothing to see but the pitch-black of midnight, nothing to hear except the sounds of critters out to maim yer scrawny hide. People who are leery of the dark should not venture into the Amazon.

         I was very concerned about the prospect of going blind as a mole. Or even a bat. Or, God forbid, an umpire or referee ( just recently I completed a study with curious implications…yet none too surprising. Not one sporting event, since the dawn of time, has ever been lost because the other team wuz better. Every athletic contest is lost because them thar game officials can’t see! ). It’s unclear at this point in time who has the weaker eyesight. I intend to consult with a battery of scientists about this matter and am highly interested to know if any laboratory tests have determined the facts. Burrowing moles, flying bats…or near-sighted umps and refs…which is blinder? The survival of planet Earth may well be hanging in the balance here. Any such data, if retrieved, should be made available to the public. If cached away in government bureaucracies …we’re goners!  ( a warning folks, red lights are flashing! Beware when a government bureaucracy proclaims: “We’re gonna’ fix it!” A great upheaval is in the making! Things are about to be turned topsy-turvy. ).

         A strange light in the middle of an otherwise darkened jungle is a magnet. With the utmost of caution I inched forward. Stealthily, because I sensed something was sorely amiss in this God-forsaken place. My heart fluttered and sank  dangerously low  as I came upon the most incredible sight any human eyes have ever beheld!

         A gigantic clearing in the rainforest , a perfect circle at least !,000 feet in diameter. Huge trees had been felled, splintered like broomstraws in a hurricane. Lumberjacks were not responsible for the devastation, this was not the result of a timber-cutting project. Nor did it seem likely that a meteor had struck…no crater.

The scene reminded me of those strange circles that suddenly appear in English wheatfields, concentric designs that almost certainly are  made by flying saucers landing in those fields of grain ( the experts have given a wide variety of reasons why UFO’s are touching down over there. However, they haven’t yet mentioned the  most logical reason of all. I believe those starmen  from afar are landing in the British Isles simply to check out the crop. Will it be a bountiful one, or a dismal failure?).

         I’d stumbled upon a Boomawhopper’s nest, and the living proof stood before me. On 8 legs, each the girth of a bridge pier! A hideous creature of unearthly origin. The monstrosity I gazed upon came from another time and place.

         Maybe even from another dimension…

11

         A Boomawhopper “sighting” causes a dangerous palpitation of the heart. That throbbing muscle inside yer chest, absolutely vital to life, begins to quiver and flutter in a truly alarming manner.

         A whole passel of women organizations are out there carrying placards and shouting a message loud and clear: “Equality of the sexes!” At any given moment these demonstrations are happening at 40,000 separate rallies in as many different locations.

         Well girls, I don’t wish to dampen your fervor with cold water. But I’m not convinced of the validity of that claim and would be highly interested in knowing the reaction of Patricia Ireland, Pat Schroeder and Hillary if they met a Boomawhopper.

         I believe these gals might push the old panic button…more’n likely keel over from an acute case of congestive heart failure.

         Their “crusade” would continue, however. At least 40,000,000 dames are waiting in the wings, anxious to pick up the torch and carry on with the valiant effort to eradicate chauvinistic males from the face of  mudball Earth! A foul conspiracy is abroad in our land, a diabolical plot that sees male “pigs” facing genocide (I’ve been giving this much thought and have, after months and months of deducing, reached a chilling conclusion. Listen men, two things can replace us. An army of real-as-life clones…or a whole raft of clanging robots! ).

         The behemoth stood in the clearing, swaying slightly with it’s ugly head brushing against low-flying clouds. I vividly recall my thoughts at that precise moment: “No longer is the lion king of beasts. The maned feline ain’t Lord of the Jungle now!” Nosiree neighbor, that mangy cat has been deposed of his title. The Boomawhopper is now monarch of our world’s wooded tracts!

         Ladies and gentlemen, you’ll not be tortured in this literary essay with a long-winded description of a Boomawhopper. Such an attempt would be a classic example of  futility. Simply because nothing before has ever appeared on this third planet from the sun that might be used for purposes of comparison. Besides, recalling that dreadful experience is something I don’t wish to dwell on for a prolonged period of time.

 I will offer this short commentary. A Boomawhopper resembles a nightmare that might have resulted from a sexual encounter between our own dinosaurs of an age long past, and that hideous outer-space monster featured in the sci-fi thriller, “Alien.”

Just where this romantic tryst might have occurred is anybody’s guess. Your guess is good as mine. I assume it happened among a cluster of stars very remote from here…on a world far, far away. Some would refer to such mutations as hybrids. I’d call the offspring of that unholy mating a “cross.”

I’ve never figured out how the spaceship in the horror-movie “Alien” remained airworthy. There were many pitched battles aboard after that unspeakably vile monster reached maturity. Powerful explosions occurred with great regularity, fires broke out everywhere. It’s electric circuitry was yanked out and treated in a most reckless manner. This, of course, rendered completely useless all it’s on-board computers. Yep, absolutely amazing how that ship kept plying the voids of space.  Certainly it’s design and construction were top-notch.

Each reader should conjure up the image of a Boomawhopper with his own imagination. Even then you’ll fall far short of the repugnance involved here. Things so totally beyond human comprehension cannot be described, imagined…or conjured up…

12

The perils of living on planet Earth are manyfold. There are an astronomical number of  ways a fella’ can be dispatched from this land of the physical to arrive at the Pearly Gates in spirit form , there to be greeted cordially by Saint Peter.

But wait, there is an alternative destination which must be considered. I speak of that rather hot and humid nether region way down yonder. The committee that greets your arrival at this place will be comprised of devils and demons, warlocks and witches, gory ghouls and ghastly gremlins. Listen pilgrim, their mat is not one of welcome. The message of these supernatural beings is this: “Glad you’re finally here. Now the party begins!” It’ll be unlike any party you’ve ever attended!

Yessir, yer fate can be sealed in a great diversity of ways. A million chunks of debris from U.S. and Russian space vehicles are whizzing around up there. Many lose the necessary velocity to remain aloft, drop from their orbits at mach-10 speed. I live in constant fear of being conked smack-dab on top of my head by a piece of blazing iron falling from the sky. Any person so unlucky will be driven completely thru the earth to re-surface somewhere in China…with a really throbbing headache ( be prepared. Wear a steel helmet and always carry a box of aspirin in yer pocket ).

Lets assume we’re hiking leisurely up a narrow canyon somewhere in the desolate western frontier. Beware the puma, be leery of the sidewinding rattler. Suddenly a cloud of dust comes swirling down the arroyo, preceded by a stampeding herd of wild mustangs. Ain’t no room for maneuvering within steep canyon walls. And yet another bunch of humans, innocent each and everyone, are  doomed to eternity neath the slashing hooves of feral steeds ( folks, such lines make me feel extremely guilty. I can only offer heartfelt apologies and ask your forgiveness.). The debunkers out there should not voice ridicule too quickly. I’ll wager old Jonah never dreamed of being gulped down by a whale!

A Biblical scripture says we can shorten our days here on this spinning ball of mud. Boy oh boy, and how! Especially them idiots who take possession of a 55 gallon barrel, remove its top, empty the contents, climb inside, float off onto an untamed river…and plummet over Niagara Falls! One more imbecile goes bto a watery grave! And Bible prophecy is fulfilled once again.

I’m tellin’ ya’ folks, living is dangerous. From the instant a doctor smacks our butt at birth, till the terrifying day when the Grim Reaper comes calling.

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