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A very disturbing report is circulating out in yon hinterlands, and is being heard in urban areas too. This one says the ABCTSTB ( American Boomawhopper Committee to Save The Boomawhopper ) is about to activate a national campaign that has the most stupid goal imaginable. These lunatics are raising a hue and cry , their motto ringing out from coast to coast and leaving little doubt as to their stated objective ; “Save the Boomawhopper!” The ABCTSTB , as of this moment, is not an official organization. It’s every word, deed and action has heretofore been of an unofficial capacity, which means the threat to civilization has been minimal. Apparently this situation, dynamic by its very nature, is about to undergo drastic and dangerous change. I’m hearing that a grassroots movement is afoot in the land that will give official sanction to the ABCTSTB, a totally irresponsible group. Yessir, to lend ‘em support. To actually give blessings to this bunch of imbeciles! I find that very intolerable and very hard to believe. But according to reports I’ve received, those long slithering tentacles of the ABCTSTB are, even now, reaching into the hallowed halls of Congress. It’s my understanding that several members of both the House and Senate have already climbed aboard this nefarious bandwagon. Good Lord in heaven above! They’ll pass a bill to allow 150 ton monsters to run amok thru our neighborhoods! This wild scrambling is bi-partisan in nature…both Democrats and Republicans are being suckered. It’s as yet unclear where Ross and his crowd stand in this particular issue. I anticipate the man from Texas will appear on TV shortly, totin’ along his charts, graphs and pointer stick. And maybe, for the first time ever, a few details. Ladies and gentlemen, my sources of information tell me that a charter will be presented to the ABCTSTB next week, in a formal ceremony at a location as yet undisclosed. My pal and I have tried to pinpoint the exact site where that “gathering of nitwits” will be congregating to accept that document. We’ve met with little success in making that determination. I initially got wind of this sneaky plot 3 weeks ago but, fearful of creating wide-spread panic, thought it prudent to remain silent. That is, until now. After prolonged and in-depth pondering, I’ve decided that great numbers of alarm bells should begin ringing. This is a matter of paramount importance , absolutely vital for the continued safety and well-being of every person residing on the North American continent. The ABCTSTB must be stopped dead in their tracks, else our world will be subjected to great strife ( my word! Offering protection for mutated monsters weighing 300,000 pounds! Even proposing to perpetuate the species! How do minds become so terribly warped, twisted and demented!?). We can’t allow that scheduled meeting to be an orderly pow-wow. Someone must be bold and brazen, walk in there and cause disruption and chaos. Any person having information concerning the location of that conference is urgently requested to dial this toll-free number: 1-800- MORON. All such calls will be held in the strictest of confidence. Your anonymity will remain intact…
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The presence of Boomawhoppers just south of our border gives rise to a whole bevy of questions. This concluding chapter of our stirring saga will focus on a few questions which inhabitants of the threatened area apparently deem most important. Having fielded thousands these past few weeks, this person knows well of what he speaks. But first, lets examine the proper way to conduct ourselves in any and all question and answer sessions. How to react with decisiveness, respond with clarity. Not merely as relates to Boomawhoppers, but to every topic imaginable. Never, never use that most hateful of phrases: “I don’t know.” Absolutely the worst grouping of words in the English language. Erase “I don’t know” from your vocabulary. And for good reason. After all, people who ask questions are in desperate need of help. Don’t allow their mournful cries of despair to go unheeded…tell ‘em somethin! As Clint Eastwood has so eloquently stated, your positive response will “make their day.” Not necessarily must your answers be within the strike zone. Or even over home-plate. Somewhere within 45 miles of the ballpark will do quite nicely. Following are a few examples which can be used as guidelines. You may wish to enter them into your computer to use as future beacons of aid. Almost without exception the first question I’m asked about this current world crisis goes thusly: “Where do Boomawhoppers come from?” Now folks, answers come in many categories . I put most of mine in the “pat answer”column. In this particular instance I point toward the inky midnight sky and say: “From somewhere out there.” State it forcefully, emphatically, and with flair and strong conviction. Who knows, maybe you yourself will believe it. The second most frequent question : “Why are they here?” Do not hesitate with this one. State your reply dramatically, with theatrics and everything else in your repertoire of ammunition: “Boomawhoppers are a vanguard sent here to pave the w3ay for an alien intelligence. It remains to be seen if those superior beings are coming with peaceful intent, or a takeover of our planet.” But hear me, once your answers begin in a steady-stream form, the questions will be thrown to you in like manner.And here comes another: “Everyone says aliens are superior to humans. How can I be sure of that?” A most stupid question: “Why lady, THEY are here, but we can’t go there.” Stay brief with this one. It deserves no further comment. “ What can I do to safeguard against these intruders from the stars?” “ Good lord woman! Boomawhoppers tip the scales at 300,000 pounds. Even so I hear some womens activists groups are recommending boxing gloves. Don’t be too surprised if that tactic proves ineffective.” And so it goes. One more helpful reminder if you’d like to become a master at the “art of answering.” Be a regular viewer of CNN and C-SPAN…watch them dudes in Washington. AS fertile learning ground for improving your forked-tongue talents. The world has no finer instructors!
The End M. L. Wilkinson September, 1992 |
