Canine Capers
Giles County has gone to the d-o-g-s. Not in the sense one usually thinks of when hearing that phrase. I mean literally. For the past month our delightful and dandy denizens of dogdom have dallied in the limelight. This is preferable to drowning in the despairing depths of a drab, dreary, despicab le and dreaded darn doghouse. And it’s about time. Certainly every dog is supposed to have his day. The dogs of Giles are the finest specimens on planet earth. Actually, none better could be found anywhere in the entire universe. For much too long our mutts have been forced to the backseat by local issues not nearly so pressing. These flea-bitten critters are truly deserving of the centerstage role into which they have been cast, and I say more power to them. Let it be stated at the outset that I too am a dog lover. Owned them all my life, often several at the same time. Therefore I know dogs are not for mistreatment and abusing. They are given to man for his pleasure and companionship. These tail-waggers can certainly fill that bill. Here in my humble abode ole Fido, Shep and Duchess are given the run of the house, thought of as members of the family.The pooch residing here now has been with me 12 years and no person in our area has enough money to buy her. This statement is made to show how I truly feel about these kindred of the wolf. But in this controversy currently swirling thru the county, I have taken No side. That controversy is, of course, the one concerning dogs, and dog pounds. Specifically how many pounds do we’uns need, and where ought they be located. The proponents on both sides of this issue have gotten somewhat carried away---the pro’s sayin’ do this, the con’s advising do that. Both parties have overlooked one small detail. Namely,at least until now, only humans have had an input into this matter. The thing at stake here is the well-being of dogs. Really, their very survival may well hinge on decisions being pondered even as these words are written. For this reason,I propose the dogs should be brought into the proceedings, and in all future gabfests their advice should be sought. How do we go about doing that? Simply by asking them thar hounddawgs. Now then I believe right here an explanation might be needed. In making it one of the world’s longest-held and closely guarded secrets is about to be made known to an anxious and awaiting mass of humanity.Only the most drastic of circumstances forces it’s revelation at this time. But drastic measures are needed when drastic circumstances rear their
ugly head.This one has been more hush-hush than the Manhattan Project. That cute little thing a few years back gave us that delightful toy called the atomic bomb.So, without further ado , on with the explaining.This is for your eyes only, and here’s hoping you treat it with the utmost confidentiality. Other words, don’t say a word about it. Especially not to any top-secret government agency. We all know the problems they have with material of this sort. LEAKAGE. Up until now, only 21 people world-wide have been entrusted with this blockbuster information. Just one other fella’ and myself are the only residents of the western hemisphere ever to be invited into that exclusive inner-circle. Many years ago while walking thru the forbidden lama-land of Tibet , it was my good fortune to meet some of those mysterious mystics of the orient. One of those old Lamas took a liking to me---I think because he was a lover of dogs. Every mutt lover has a built-in instinct that tells him when he has met another. One day as we were sittin’ around in a monastery at the top of the world, that instinct told the old-timer that this Caucasian from the west got along rather well with man’s best friend.The device he passed into my possession at that time is the wondrous tool you’re about to learn of here and now. This gadget enables humans to talk to dogs. Or any other animal, even birds of the air and fishes who swim the oceans of earth.And it works both ways.All beasts, fish and birds can chat back with members of the human race. Compact and pocket-sized,anyone can operate this contraption. It has an off-on switch, and when flipped to the on position it instantly translates the human voice into the understandable communication method used by the species of creature he might be conversing with. By the same token , those grunts and growls emanating from Rover’s throat come back to master in his native language, no matter his nationality.English, Spanish , French ,German Chinese, Russian----no matter what tongue is involved. This thingamuhjig in my possession is equally adept and fluent in all languages spoken on Mother Earth. It has been the source of much amusement these many years I’ve carried this thing in my pocket. The reason why I chuckle each time each time on hearing of the on-going effort by Naval-Intelligence to establish communication with the dolphin. Man oh man, if only they knew! The Tibetian Lamas have been beeping and clicking with dolphins thru the milleniums! So now the world knows.Not being one for fancy frills or titles, this magical and wondrous device is simply called a dog-talker-to.A word here and now to any low-life scoundrel who might harbor thoughts about pirating or hanky-panky.that necessary trip to my local patent-office was made many years ago. Now for some thoughts and ideas on this matter of dog pounds.For the past month the canines of Giles have been busy. It is the decided opinion of every dog on the local scene that these are perilous times indeed. Thus they have not just been buryin’ bones and scratchin’ fleas.For each and every meeting held by humans, the dogs have convened one of their own. I’ve been in attendance at many of those mutt conferences.Not, mind you, as a participant but merely as an interested observer, I can now relay to you part of the K-9 strategy---what course of action they are planning to protect their interests. Their latest meeting was held just last night, attended by every dog currently residing in Giles County. I was there too, and with the aid of my dog-talker-to learned the following. Our local canines will press for a multi-pronged summit meeting. This confab could be held in the courthouse, the county landfill or, if everything else is booked up ,any old vacant alley will suffice. Participants will be the Giles County Board of Supervisors,the local chapter of the SPCA, the Red Cross, AFL- CIO, all local Mayors, each town can send their council members (generally speaking, the above list is a guaranteed recipe for chaos and major disaster). A cordial invitation will be extended to all residents who wish to sit in on the proceedings. So much for the people side. Now for the mutt side. Old Fido is well aware of the formidable negotiating teams the humans can muster.Thus, knowing the disadvantages of bargaining from a position of weakness, they have called on their big guns . The dawgs will negotiate from a position of strength. There won’t be any poodles, pekingnese or toy breeds sitting at that table. Instead, the following were selected to pursue and protect the vital interests of dogs everywhere. Seated across from humans will be 9 cantankerous Collies, 7 gigantic and dangerous Great Danes, 12 savage Saint Bernards who just happen to be bellicose, 19 growling German Shepherds who are slavering all over the place,15 diabolical Dobermans and 43 belligerent Bulldogs. Humans, negotiators and private citizens alike who show up at that meeting ,will do so at their own risk and peril. From the opening gavel till the bang that closes it, the dogs will face them across the green felt table,unleashed and unmuzzled! I will be there too.My dog-talker-to will be needed for translation purposes. Though many people otherwise, there remains much about the dog world we don’t understand. Though fully domesticated, nonetheless Old Spot is a direct descendant of the wolf that roams the frozen tundra of the far northlands. The wild blood that courses thru the veins of the wolf will ,to this very day, rise to the surface in that mutt lying at your feet. Defending his food----turning in circles before he beds down for the night. To make certain no enemies lurk nearby to pounce on him while sleeping. Those brief but savage encounters among the males while vying for the attention of females who may have in mind the further propagation of the species. Instincts given to him for self-survival, without which he wouldn’t be long for this world. These things need no tinkering with. Man’s best friend don’t need pampering and coddled with warm food served from a sanitized dish. They desire only to lead a dog’s life which, after all, is a pretty good one. With a friendly wag of the tail, the dogs say thanks----and an arf-arf to one and all.
M.L.Wilkinson
P.S.---The Dog-Talker-To will soon be on the shelves at your favorite store. The cost will be 39cents each. But good news for the conservative shopper. When purchased in gross lots , 30 cents of each unit price will be returned to you in rebate form…
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