Heaven's Gate

         Comets, cults, computers, castration. A volatile combination that invites catastrophe.

         Flying saucers, fear, fakers and fools. An explosive foursome on a dangerous path leading to Folly.

         Phenobarbital, pudding, vodka and plastic bags with drawstrings attached. A lethal recipe indeed. Partake of this meal and you will not experience the discomforts of heartburn, nor will acute pangs of indigestion be a bother.

         Last week this dynamite mixture resulted in 39 needless deaths with the ritualistic suicides in Rancho Mirage, California. If events have unfolded as Heavens Gate members apparently believed and planned, then their group is now aboard an extraterrestrial spacecraft headed for a blurry place called “a higher elevation.”

         But wait, these cultists used various names in describing their destination. Perhaps they’re enroute to a vaguely defined locale referred to as “the next level of human evolution.” ( do you believe we’re descended from vine-swinging monkeys? For 67 years I’ve listened to this sales-pitch; ain’t purchased it yet though. I refuse to patronize the shops where such merchandise is sold.).

         Then again, maybe the UFO is zoomi9ng toward that metaphysical place where daydreamers dwell, “a higher plane of existence.” This, as you might recall, is where actress Shirley MacLaine goes every night. A native of Richmond, Miss MacLaine doesn’t  use alien spacecraft as a mode of transportation. Shirley zips thru the cosmos via “channeling.” Whatever that is.

         Back during the  60’s someone tinkered with the gauge used for measuring intelligence. Friend, that someone lowered the standard dramatically.

         Display a talent for whining and today you’re a high IQ. A flair for bouncin’ a basketball will get your mind rated head and shoulders above a College Professor. Join the coaching ranks and you become an instant genius, in league with old Al Einstein himself ( because of the intricate detail involved when kickin’ a football, and the quantum- theories associated with bouncin’ a basketball.).

         Ladies and gentlemen, follow the lead of Shirley MacLaine. Allow your spirit to detach itself from that weary body tonight and soar outward to explore the moon, sun and 9 planets. Go channeling!

         Or follow the lead of Marshal Applewhite, the nutty leader of  the idiotic cultists who called themselves Heavens Gate. Swallow 2 pounds of pills, chase them down with a quart of vodka, then tie a plastic bag over yer head! The 6:30 anchormen will say such nice things: “This was an articulate and highly intelligent person.” Why, of course!

         Yeah man, the standard bars have certainly been lowered. Today they’re a mere 3 inches above the sod!                                                                        And so it goes in these troubled times in which we live---“the era of New-Agers and enlightenment.” These dudes can’t sit idly by until The Creator cures the ills of our world---they’ll do it! (and I’m offering for sale, next week, the Andes mountain range of South America.).

         A new millennium, myth, maladjustment and maligned martyrdom. All played a role in the bizarre pact inside a mansion in Rancho Santa Fe. What happened there is but a preview of what’s ahead between now and the turn of the century.

         The beginning of the third millennium. Already those crackpot doomsdayers are shouting from the rooftops: “The end is nigh!”         Pay these alarmists no mind. Even Michael and Gabriel, the two Super Angels who will spearhead HIS second coming, don’t know when the “end-time” will be. Turn a deaf ear to soothsayers!

         Many are confused about the starting date of the next 1000 year period. New Years Day 2001 it begins, not the holiday of 2000. At least this gives us an added breathing spell of 12 months before doom strikes and cracks planet Earth into 4 separate chunks. And then burns them to a cinder.

         Down with superstition, away with old-wives tales. Look skyward at the Hale- Bopp comet without fear. You gaze at a chunk of ice passing over our heads, and nothing more.

         Users of the Internet should use extreme caution when “browsing” their gadgetry. A lot of misinformation appears on your screen. Heaven’s Gate saturated it with some truly brilliant tidbits---sparkling gems!

         For example. A spaceship the size of 4 Earths!! A vast UFO hidden in the gaseous tail of Hale-Bopp. Have a five-dollar bill handy, a roll of quarters too. Travel fare!

         Pack a bag, climb aboard, and we’re up, up, up and away to Heaven! (remember, these were articulate and highly intelligent people).

         The route to heaven can’t be found on the Internet. A straight and narrow highway leads there, but rather easy to find. Just “browse” those dusty and yellowed pages of a Bible.

         Officials and plain citizens alike are asking questions: “ Can we do anything to prevent cults?” Answer---no.

         “How can we safeguard our families from the millions of crackpots runnin’ loose today?” Simple. Discourage your youngster from this silly “role-model” nonsense. Advise them against “hero –idolizing.” Such are found only in the Good Book.

         Don’t emulate Michael Jordan. Hardly an exclusive club he’s in ; 2 billion humans are currently “shootin hoops.”

         Chuck Norris kicks people in the chin, a somewhat less than noble calling in life.

         Madonna and Michael Jackson---nothing more needs saying. Nothing whatsoever.

         Get away from copy-catting, disdain imitation, scorn the cloning crowd.

         Be what The Creator made you, an individual. A living being, unlike any other.

The End

M. L. Wilkinson

April, 1997