His Day In Court

         And yet another Uncle  story. A very popular theme it seems throughout my book, Narrows And It’s Characters. But really, the explanation is so simple. In my own “growin’ up” days in Narrows it was a common practice for all youngsters to address their elders as “Uncle” so and so, or “Aunt” so and so. Even in this electronic age of computers there’d be no great harm done if we returned to an era of respect and consideration. I fully realize, however, that in many quarters such statements are a cause for concern. My goodness, thoughts of that nature are highly radioactive and politically “insensitive.”

         This story is about Uncle Frank Blankenship. The way I remember him (only in his later years), he was a big man with drooping moustache, getting around town with the aid of a cane. He was known to be a talker; as a matter of fact he was famous far and wide for it.

         Twas said that when talking on any subject, no matter the topic, this old gent had a strong tendency to veer from the straight of it. He’d twist the facts---more than that, he’d bend em’ considerably. Many folks went so far as to claim Uncle Frank would rather climb a tall tree and tell it his way---than to stand on the ground and tell it like she really was.

         Yeah pilgrim, the old boy had the ability to leave folks wondering! Wondering just how much stock might be placed in whatever he might be talkin’ about. This reputation followed the old fella’ everywhere he went.

         It went to court with him, for that’s the setting for this little story. The scene is the County courthouse in Pearisburg. Everyone who in any shape or fashion held jobs in the courthouse had also heard of Uncle Frank.

         He’d been summoned to court in a certain matter. Just what the case was all about makes not one iota of difference, as you later can plainly determine. He sat in a very uncomfortably seat in the rear of the courtroom, snoozing peacefully as the preliminaries in this matter were dealt with and gotten out of the way. Several witnesses had already been heard, the lawyers for both sides had approached the bench 11 times for whatever purpose it is that lawyers approach benches, 8 conferences had been held in the judges chambers, court had been recessed 6 times, and the gavel had been banged too many times to keep count. All this occurred in a span of one hour and ten minutes.

         After the jury had been seated following the latest recess Uncle Frank was called to the witness stand. A spectator sitting beside him jabbed the old-timer in his ribcage to awaken him from a deep sleep. Coming to with a start, Uncle looked all around to get his bearings; he wasn’t exactly certain where he was.

         A voice boomed from the front of Giles County’s courthouse---“Frank Blankenship--- Frank Blankenship---are you in the courtroom?”

         “Right here I am. What do y’all want?,” he answered from the rear.

         “Would you please come forward and be seated in the witness stand?”,asked the voice from upfront.

         “Well, I reckon.” A note of suspicion sounded in his voice. He’d never been one to mosey up to strangers, and had never before in his life laid eyes on this young feller who was asking him to come forward.

         With the aid of his cane the senior-citizen slowly made his way to the front of the courtroom; took him only 4 minutes to situate himself comfortably in the witness chair. The young man who had interrupted his nap now stood directly in front of him.

         Uncle Frank sized him up from shoe-soles to crown of his head. Hell, the old man didn’t know this young scallowag from Adam: “Now after you tell me who you are boy we’ll git on to whatever it is you’re wantin’ to find out.”

         The young court-worker was more than a little taken aback. Looking as if he were not yet dry behind the ears, the young “whipper snapper” approached the old man even closer. And asked the question put to every witness in every  court case: “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?”

         This made Uncle Frank awfully mad! It was an affront to his personal integrity---and made him see red. This young upstart was insinuating that he, Uncle Frank Blankenship, might be something less than truthful. Why hell, every resident of Giles County knew his word was solid as gold in the bank.

         Uncle didn’t like it one bit, and up from the witness chair he came. Shaking his cane menacingly under the nose of this smart-aleck, in a quivering voice filled with emotion he uttered what has for decades been a local classic: “Young man, if’n I don’t tell the truth I hope a bolt of lightnin’ strikes this courthouse, kills you and everybody else that’s in it --- and cripples me!”

         Then the old gent sat back down, but when he did he was sitting all alone.

         The old fella’ had just made a chilling statement. Should he not be truthful he’d wished the supernatural elements from above down on this place. Every person in that courthouse rose to their feet---en masse! As does a church congregation preparing to sing a hymn, they rose as one. They decided if this trial continued, thus giving Uncle Frank the opportunity to offer testimony while under oath, then this definitely was not a safe place to be.

         As a matter of fact, it could prove to be a very dangerous place. Supposing his wish had been heard and about to be granted. The very thought caused shudders to run thru every spectator. Even the judge and jury were on their feet.

         Uncle Frank had wished the powerful and destructive elements of the Almighty Creator down on this building if truth didn’t come from his voice apparatus. As he uttered the last word of his frightening statement every person in the courtroom bolted for the exit. They all met there simultaneously, and in the ensuing melee 6 were injured seriously enough to require hospitalization, and 14 more suffered less serious injuries and bruises.

         When those who had escaped unscathed reached the outside, none would even tarry on the lawn.. Scattering in all directions, they wanted to put at least 6 blocks between themselves and this brick structure where law matters are attended to. A three-alarm fire wouldn’t have emptied that building nearly so fast.

         Judge and jury wanted outta’ there too. Peering from the windows to the sky above, they wanted to see if black and ominous clouds were forming there. Every ear listened for the first crack of distant, rolling thunder.

         The judge and lawyers for both sides held a hurried conference. Speaking to all who had an interest in the case, the judge requested them to very hurriedly approach the bench. As they stood before him the plantiff was asked to drop all charges. Which he quickly agreed to do, for he too was wanting to join that number outside.

         The judge banged his gavel hard to dismiss the case, with a strong recommendation it never be brought up for re-trial. Judge and jury then made one more decision---a unanimous one. It was to get the hell outta’ that red brick building, and they promptly proceeded to do just that---in no time flat!

         About 15 minutes later Uncle Frank awoke from another nap. Rising from the witness chair he could see he was alone---the courtroom was deserted. Hmm. Musta’ recessed again, thought the old boy. Walking slowly from the room where justice is meted out, he went down the steps and wandered onto the streets of Pearisburg. Funny---nary a soul in sight, in any direction. Not even a car. Mumbling to himself, the old fella’ began walking a slow gait toward Narrows.

         He strolled two blocks---still no sign of a living person. After going 6 blocks Uncle  Frank began seeing the first evidence of life---a scattering of folks here and there. Some light traffic was moving out here in the suburbs, and he needed a ride home. Throwing out his thumb, the first car that came chugging along stopped and gave the old gent a much needed lift. He got in and started exercising his jaws even before the driver could pull away, and as the 1936 Chevrolet disappeared over the crest of Bluff City hill Uncle was still talkin.’

         Something rather strange and unusual happened at that courthouse next morning. A court-order was drawn up and sent down to the Sheriff’s office. It forbid that department from ever again delivering a summons for Uncle Frank to make a court appearance. That court-order was strictly adhered to for as long as Uncle lived.

         All judges throughout the circuit disqualified themselves from any case in which he might be involved. Besides, the reasoning was it would be virtually impossible to empanel a jury to hear it…