It Looks Bad

        These are indeed perilous times in which we live. Our nation is at it’s most critical juncture in history, facing the greatest crisis America has ever confronted.

         The enemy now threatening our very existence is truly a formidable one. He’s a poorly nourished homeless man with long gray beard who walks along mountainous trails with the aid of an shepherds staff. This menacing figure, suffering from acute malnutrition and numerous terminal diseases, sleeps in caves and a dialysis machine is his constant companion. The greatest danger to our superpower nation, Osama bin Ladin is his name.                  Our line of defense against this threat to our survival is scant, stretched way too thin. To date we have only the services of every police and fire department in America, backed up nobly by our combined ambulance services( some 2,416,000 vehicles).

         The ready reserves have answered the call, as have the unready reserves. The National Guards of all 50 states have joined in, the Virginia Defense Forces too. In the vanguard, of course, are the 5 branches of our active military. Let’s not forget the combined forces of 24 coalition and NATO countries.

         Joining all those are the U.S.Border Patrol, the Minutemen, Texas Rangers, California Highway Patrol and the U.S.Marshals (it’s very questionable just how effective the Border Patrol might be in this matter---or any other).                                                                                         

         Lending added help are the FBI, CIA, ATF, the Boy Scouts of America, and the armies of 8 former Warsaw Pact nations. Man, we didn’t have this much help while fightin’Adolph Hitler, Benito Mussolini, and Hideki Tojo         ! All at the same time!

         Latest to join the fight are several members of the Lewis-Clark expedition, just recently returned from their dangerous foray into our Pacific Northwest. Both seasoned and tough, their valuable experience will aid our cause greatly in our struggle against madman Osama.

         A “breaking news bulletin” has just informed me that Wyatt Earp with a posse of native  Americans have volunteered their services. The primary function of the Apaches will be to comb the mountainous terrain of Afghanistan lookin’ for “signs.”

         Quite remarkably and just in the nick of time, 8 alien fleets of reptilian- like creatures have recently arrived in our sector of the Milky Way Galaxy. Five million years advanced from earthlings, they sensed our desperate plight from afar. These aliens closely resemble alligators who walk upright on hind legs. Their horrible physical appearance might cause fear to rise in Osama-bin- Ladin’s evil heart. Perhaps even to have second thoughts about the reckless course he pursues.

         As of now the numbers in our battle with bin-Ladin are 42,761,402 against 1. Such odds are not good, bode ill-tidings for us. We need at least 21,000,000 additional personnel in our struggle with the Taliban and their Al-Qaida allies.

         I’ve given much concerned thought to this matter and have made a careful decision as to what our best course of action might be. I suggest the CIA sneak a couple snoops into that darkened cave and confiscate that dialysis machine. Tellin’ ya’ right now, the tide would turn dramatically. Osama must keep the impurities flushed from his bony frame or else he’s history…kaput, done for, outta’here.

         Begging the reader’s pardon for just a minute. This just in from CBS news: “Some important news for every American. But for the constant vigil of your Homeland Security Dept. all of you, every man, woman and child would’ve been slaughtered during these past 4 years.” Yessir neighbor, Big Brother is watching out for you!

         At dawn, dusk, noon and midnight the message comes as a torrent: “We saved your life 9 times last week. You’ll need our guiding hand 4 times tomorrow if you wish to remain among the living.” The Homeland Security chief looks at his secretary after the cameras are gone to remark: “Make certain those stupids have our correct address. They’ll be mailing us millions of checks and money orders tonight.”

         Ladies and gentlemen, a cat has only 9 lives. But I, in a manner I don’t fully understand, have many more than that. In these past 5 years Homeland Security forces have “rescued” me 207 times, “saved” my hide from unseen evil powers 346 times, “snatched me back from the brink” on 88 occasions. These caped heroes have “resuscitated” me back from comatose states 92 times and have , generally speaking, been a close and smothering presence at my side.

         But I’ll not always be so lucky. Sooner or later these valiant knights will fail in their heroic efforts to “save” me. The demise will surely come. Already I know what the official document will say. It will list the end as “death by suffocation” Way, way yonder too much Big Brother. Homeland Security, FEMA, the U.S. Immigration Service. Bureaucratic monsters all. They sing one constant theme over and over again. Their music is worded thusly: “We have you safely under our protective wing…no harm will come your way.”

The End

M.L. Wilkinson

November, 2006