Losers1
Winners and losers. The former gather all the accolades, reap the lucrative endorsements, have medals pinned to their broad chests, listen as high praise is heaped on even broader shoulders. And, of course, the prettiest girls waiting in the winners circles to plant a big old moist smooch on their ruddy little cheeks. Losers listen to ridicule, derision, boos, catcalls and jeers. They’re showered with tons of garbage ( rotten eggs, rotten tomatoes, rotten carrots and even once, as I can swear to, rotten cabbage ) thrown by sports-minded spectators from the stands. This is in keeping with their strong insistence on fair play, character and leadership. It’s not unusual for a loser to find the doors locked when he returns home. Mom and Dad have disowned him, locked him out, and filed legal papers to debar the poor lad from ever again steppin’ foot on the property where he’d been born. Losers lead a lonely and rugged life. And, sad to contemplate, I see no improvement in the immediate horizon, or a far horizon either. The extremes used against losers are truly mind-boggling. I recently learned that a secret movement is afoot, even at this very moment, to strip losers of their citizenship and send ‘em packin’ into exile. This could possibly mean those penal colonies in frozen Siberia ( merely because we finished yesterday’s basketball game with 4 fewer points than the winners ). I believe this is both unfair and unjust, certainly not in keeping with the widely-publicized “sensitive” and “insensitive” age in which we live. The self-esteem level of losers is extremely low right now. Our second-class status has hit rock bottom. Dignity has been taken from us, respect no longer comes our way. A big problem is the “inferiority –complex” spreading like an epidemic thru our ranks. But winners are an insatiable bunch, their thirsts never slaked. Now they’re hollerin’ fer blood to be squeezed from turnips instead of turnip juice! Well now, enough is enough. This thing has gone much, much too far, a line must be drawn. Someone must act to turn this ugly situation around. Already there is too much division in our nation; the last thing we need is a winning-class versus losing-class. I’ve already set in motion some well-oiled wheels to get to the bottom of this seedy, despicable plot. Just yesterday I engaged the services of 3 top-notch undercover operatives to look into this dastardly citizenship proposal. Last night this daring trio of “dirty-tricks” specialists managed to sneak into 5 “closed door sessions” being attended by winners. What they learned is quite disturbing. Granted, it does seem rather weird to have our citizenship taken away because we can’t dunk a dang basketball! Personally I could never hit a fluttering knuckle-ball on the baseball diamond. Two hours ago, 45 years after the fact, the dreadful knock came at my door…I was informed I’ll be headin’ out to Siberia for the purpose of extracting salt from frozen underground mines ( the lesson here. Tell Junior he must learn how to hit the knuckle-ball ). Think not, my fellow losers, that this story is too far-removed from reality to happen. My dear partners in losing and losses , we live in strange times, an age where there is no room for losers. A festive holiday is upon us, and seems an appropriate time to recognize “the losers of the world.” To pay some small tribute to those who have been spit upon, reviled and disgraced. Being one of them ( I’ve spent 65 years losing. Nary a win has ever come my way ) I can closely identify with the poor souls. Their misery and woes are known to me. For many years Ted Kennedy has been the official spokesman for the downtrodden. But alas, time has come for a change. We need a “pauper” to fill that position. A sense of modesty causes hesitation at this point. Aw, what the heck? I’m far more qualified for that “spokesman” role than is the Senator from Massachusetts. He knows quite a bit about losing, but zero about being poor! Me, I’m highly qualified in both catergories! Winners are good in all fields excepting one. Adversity…champs can’t stand to lose. A single small bump in the road is a major disaster for these shining knights. A big bump pops up and they become instant jello. Winners can’t handle adversity…we losers pay it no mind, don’t cry and move on. Simple logic can be applied here. We losers are superior to winners…
The End December, 1994
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