Man Apes

(Or, if you prefer,)

APEMEN

I

         Just recently I was having breakfast with Daniel DeWeese at the Lighthouse Restaurant in Narrows. This culinary center, the latest business establishment to swing wide it’s doors in north Narrows, is an early morning gathering place for a potpourri of humanity. Even before the dawning of a new day a “cross section of America” has already walked through those doors.

         Here you can meet peons who work with concrete, race-car drivers talkin’ about careening wildly around oval tracks, Hoechst-Celanese people on their way to make yet another batch of cigarette tow, truck drivers cussin’ all automobile drivers and saying they oughta’ be banned from the nation’s highways, lawyers gloating over the fast one they pulled in the courtroom yesterday, and hordes of West Virginians complainin’ how  their Mountaineers ain’t getting’ near enough attention at the national level. According to our neighbors just across the state line, a situation which will surely be rectified after the Morgantown gladiators stomp the Fighting Irish this season, and  “whip up” on the Turkeys from VPI 20 seasons in a row.

         All these people congregate at the Lighthouse Restaurant for one specific purpose( apart, that is, from doin’ a whole lotta’ crowin’, braggin,’ boastin,’ and tootin’ their own horns.).

         They come here to fortify themselves with vittles, the “stick to the ribs” type that can energize their wearisome bodies to endure yet another long day of back-breakin’ labor. These folks consume bacon and eggs in great volumes, gulp down gallons of gravy poured in great quantities over brown biscuits.

         Listen to what I’m saying…donuts are definitely not the early morning fuel fer poor folks who must bend over, put their nose to the grindstone and engage in physical work (donuts are O.K. for overweight policemen who ride, ride, ride, and firemen who play a few hands upstairs at the firehouse. Donuts are also fine breakfast fare for dainty little office dames). Donut shops, which might also serve toast and jelly, are the eateries where doctors, lawyers, school teachers, and computer nerds gather several hours after the rooster has finished crowing.

The topics discussed among this segment of our society centers on

femurs, skulls and an assorted collection of other “dem bones.” This

crowd talks in Latinized legal terms (this courtroom tactic keeps the accused in a bewildering state of confusion). These folks speak constantly about viruses and other respiratory ailments which continually hassle them thar durned infernal computer machines. Not too surprising, the “professionals” have one common thread that weaves in and out of their every conversation…they’re each and every one being paid one-quarter their value (please understand, this crowd is “eat up with modesty.”).

         But let’s return to the topic of this story, Daniel, and a very frightening subject he raised at our recent breakfast meeting. Our conversation had taken many turns, covered a myriad of subject matter ranging from accidental nuclear holocaust to agreement that every man, woman and child living in Giles County should eat 19 apples every day(Daniel sells apples from his red wagon. Daniel has a shrewd business head atop his shoulders). He went on to say all moms should peel 9 apples each day, walk over to the cradle where her babe of 3 weeks is squalling it’s fool head off , and begin “force feeding” ‘em apples at that tender young age.

         We also spoke at length about genetic manipulation, the current fad that’s very popular among thousands of weird, wacky scientists who just happen to be crazier than an army of mad-hatters.

         Again, the two of us reached a mutual understanding…the whole damned world has suddenly gone berserk, completely loco! With deep concern etched in his face, Daniel voiced a doomsday prediction that guaranteed me a day of uneasiness: “Things sure are lookin’ bad. This old world can’t stand much longer. Sure as you and me are sittin’ here we’re livin’ in the END TIMES!”

         Now listen here, that statement caused me to become more than a little edgy. A feeling of complete helplessness engulfed me. Casting a quick glance out the window, I looked toward the sky to see if the heavens appeared menacing.                                   

         A deep sense of dread followed the question then put forth by Daniel: “Do you know when they started crossin’ apes with humans?”…

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             II

         There’s no law saying you must, but every person should show a tad of response when questioned by his fellowman. It’s good manners, polite, let’s the other fella’ know you’re lending an ear and giving him  your undivided attention. Do otherwise and folks are gonna’ say you’re rude, crude, uncouth and inattentative.

         Now then, it really makes no difference if one is not well supplied with answers. That’s a trivial matter and has no relevance here at all . This is a very important issue, with just one thing to keep in mind; dammit., be responsive! Display great interest in what the other man is saying!

         The three ugliest words in the English language are: “I don’t know.” It is, my friend, an irrefutable fact. Never, never ought that 3 word combination be uttered by anyone, even under the most trying circumstances. There is absolutely no excuse for it’s utterance. Pay special attention to the next few paragraphs. Contained therein is quite possibly the most important information your eyes have ever perceived.

         There’s only one way to answer interrogators, no other options are available. You answer by giving them huge volumes of the very first thoughts that enter your mind. Whether he’s seeking data about Capuchian monkeys or info related to integral calculus is a moot point. Think of something!

         Maybe you’re off the mark by 40 miles. So what, no big deal! Missing by a mile is preferable to standing there like a “knot on a log dummy,” scratchin’ yer dandruff-filled head and sayin’: “I don’t know.” Hellsfire man, exercise yer mind…launch into a tirade about bees in the hive, or the 10,000 mile migration of the Arctic tern. But for goodness sake don’t remain mute like a granite statue.

         Be responsive, speak up. Then people all around town will form a unanimous opinion: “If’n there’s somethin’ ya’ don’t understand, go ask old so and so.” Again, this is far better than having your neighbors forming derogatory opinions: “Don’t ask old so and so about anything. That moron never knows if it’s night or day.”

         So then, be helpful to your fellow homo-sapiens. Give him answers, and experience a good warm feeling inside.

         Let’s suppose your answers ain’t right (God forbid) and might cause problems, even for a close friend. Well, shake it off and give it no thought. Another day will surely dawn…tomorrow you might get lucky and actually know something your neighbor has asked about. One can find solace by always remembering: “My intent wuz good.” and might cause problems, even for a close friend. Well, shake it off and give it no thought. Another day will surely dawn…tomorrow you might get lucky and actually know something your neighbor has asked about. One can find solace by always remembering: “My intent wuz good.”        

         Now that the little sermon is finished and amens said, let’s return to the cozy confines of Lighthouse Restaurant and Daniel. I’m gonna’ lay the whole durn package out and admit I went counter to every word preached in those above paragraphs.

         “Huh, what’s that you said, Daniel?” And the man who has sold trainloads of apples from a Western Flyer wagon repeated his question from several moments ago. “I said, do you know when cross-breedin’ between apes and people started?”

         Let me tell ya’ pal, I sit up and took notice the second time around. Her was something I’d never heard before, and surely had given no thought. Old Daniel had really caught my attention, the concentrated and uh, uh,…rapt kind.

         “Hmm,” I mused aloud. “Do I know when apes and humans began mixin’ it up?” A few seconds pause, a drumming of the table with my fingers for a considerable spell, then an added:”Hmm.”

         A delay would amount only to a further waste of time, so I spoke those 3 despicable words:” I don’t know.”

         “Uh, uh, uh, uh…you don’t?” Understand now, Daniel has this slight speech impediment…stammering, stuttering. But then, my own shortcomings are many. I’m not absolutely certain, but quite possibly every reader has a few flaws ( again, I’m not really sure ).

         Stammering…stuttering. No big deal. Ya’ simply display a measure of patience with Daniel, hear him out. Besides, what’s the big rush anyhow? Put ‘er in a lower gear, slow down to a mere crawl. Your tummy will remain free of ulcers, you’ll live a helluva’ lot longer.

         “Daniel old boy, you’ve got me stumped. When did the matin’ between apes and humans begin?”…

III

         Alook of bemusement spread quickly across Daniel’s face, a departure from the dead-panned seriousness one usually associates with him. Really, bemusement is hardly the apt word. Smirk…that’s a better description…

         “Duh, duh, duh…do you give up?” Daniel, playing a cat-and-mouse game, seemed to be enjoying himself immensely. I found his attitude quite irksome.

         “Daniel, I’m surrendering, throwin’ in the towel. But I refuse to sink to my knees in a pleading manner. If you won’t tell me when anthropoid apes began makin’ love to humans, I’ll ask someone else.”

         “Wuh, wuh, wuh…won’t do you any good. I’ve pu, pu …put that question to everybody hereabouts, and not one of ‘em knowed  the answer. What’s more I uh, uh…I ain’t tellin.”

         “Aw, come on Danny me lad, quit holdin’ out on me. I’m completely in the dark. As a matter of fact, I didn’t realize such experiments, if that’s what they are , were underway. Doggone it, when did this process begin?” (Note carefully the word PROCESS. It’s inserted here against my better judgement. Let’s pause a moment and give process our special attention.. Have you heard it used lately? Well sir, the word process is currently “in vogue,” the really chic word among politicians. Generally speaking, authority figures are a bunch of copycats. About 2 years ago one of ‘em said: “Let’s give the process  a chance to work.” Since that day every cotton-pickin’ official in the U.S. of A. has uttered this most despicable of words on 47,974 occasions ( each individual  has pronounced process that many times). To wit: “The process is working.” “The process ain’t working.” “Let’s see the process through.” “The process will allow us to bridge this crisis.”

         Well now, enough is enough. I’ll be damned elated when the PROCESS  of using PROCESS has PROCESSED itself right out window!

         Meanwhile, many diners in the Lighthouse Restaurant had overhead the drift of our conversation and came ambling over to the booth where Daniel was holding court. Mostly regulars, but a few were tourists passing through to scattered and varied destinations across this broad land. Among the mob were two weird lookin’dudes from California, sportin’ real cute Boz Bosworth haircuts. But every member of the crowd all shared one thing in common…a deep, intense interest in the topic Daniel had raised.

         “Hey, we’ve been listening,” yelled one of them thar freaks from out yonder on the west coast. “We’ve got lots of things in California that might be the result of such matings.”

         Sure, sure I remember thinking. And a pair of ‘em are traveling through Narz, Virginia at this very moment.

          A local yokel twisted around on a squeaky stool. A wiseguy,, he chimed in with: “Ya’ don’t gotta’ go to California to see such creatures. A whole army of ‘em are runnin’ loose right here in Giles County.” An amen of voices reverberated from wall to wall, agreeing wholeheartedly.

         “Man, they’re everywhere!” I’d never before seen the fella’ who added that two-cents worth. “My hometown has enough to supply every zoo in the world!” No one in the crowd had to ask…this chap hailed from Washington, D.C.     

         “This here ain’t no laughing matter, and y’all beh, beh, …better stop jokin.” Daniel was serious , didn’t think this a laughing matter. “I read about this in a magazine, even saw pictures. It started way back yonder with Adolph.”

         A strange, muted silence descended on the Lighthouse Restaurant, broken only when I asked: “Whatta’ ya’ mean, Daniel? Adolph who?”

         “Adolph Hitler, that’s who. He started breedin’ apes with humans.” Daniel spoke with deep conviction.

         It sounded unbelievable. But then, Daniel said he’d seen pictures. Hell man, ya’ can’t argue with photographs!…

IV

         For 40 years I’ve known Daniel as a God-fearing man who attends church  regularly. He is always open, honest and “up front” with every person he meets. This man will have no part of foolishness, lying is certainly not what he does. Only truth comes from the mouth of Daniel DeWeese, thus one can place the fullest of trust in his spoken word.

         “Repeat that, please. I didn’t hear it all.” This request came from a gent standing 4 rows deep in the mob gathered around our booth, ears cocked to learn the details of this latest bombshell to explode in these parts.

         There was considerable jockeying for position inside the dining establishment, each and every person wanting to get closer to Daniel. A wave of humanity would first surge forward, then go reeling backward again. To and fro they swayed, much like an incoming tide rolling toward a sandy oceanfront beach.

         The next remark came midst a frenzied pushing and shoving: “Uh, uh, uh…I wish y’all would back up and give me room to breathe.” (Daniel’s stuttering that morning was one of  his worst spells ever. The lad seemed unable to shake it off). I was certainly glad Daniel made his plea for calm to prevail, for I myself had already suffered 6 badly bruised ribs, a shattered femur, and a skull fractured in 9 places. Safety was fast becoming a top priority!

         Noting the looks of expectancy on the faces of our audience, I said to Daniel: “Tell ‘em again, Danny. Some of these folks didn’t hear you.”

         “Uh, uh, uh…this thing of cross-breedin’ apes and humans. Adolph Hitler started it back during that big boo, boo, boo…boom-boom called World War II.

         “And Daniel has pictures to prove it,” I chimed in. (I’d never actually seen those photographs. I was relying totally on Daniel’s good word).

         Surprise, shock, disbelief, consternation. Such words are descriptive of the expressions registered on the faces of every patron inside Light house Restaurant that morning not so long ago.

         Recognizing the skepticism, I jumped to Daniel’s defense with the following impassioned outpouring: “ I’ve been acquainted with this man for nigh onto half a century, and never once have known him to tell an untruth. The word of Daniel DeWeese is somethin’ you can tote right on down to the bank.”

         This seemed to allay most of the sneering scoffers, and had an odd, though predictable effect. The mob’s interest and curiosity, a really extreme morbid type, intensified even more. Gears began meshing inside some noggins…what if Daniel’s claim had substance? These folks began to realize they were onto somethin’ which but few people in the world were aware of.

         One could hear a pin drop, but the muted silence didn’t last long: “Did Herr Shicklegrubber carry out his project using human females and bull gorillas, or the other way around?”

         “Buh, buh, buh…both ways,” Daniel assured us. The story grew ever more strange and unholy.

         From one of the California imbeciles came this: “Man…monkeys and humans ! I can’t believe their genes would jive!”

         “Aw, pipe down. I can’t believe the stuff what’s happenin’ in California either.” I said it, and wuz glad.

         Someone broke in, uninvited of course, by saying: “Those experiments didn’t meet with any success though, did they? I’ve never heard anything that would make me think so.”

         Daniel stopped that talk quickly: “Uh, uh, uh…the heck they didn’t! Hitler made a dark-skinned THING 8 foot tall and can’t talk.These beasts just sit around all day, look at you and grunt. They weigh between 500 and 600 pounds!” Daniel’s voice rang with a conviction that might easily persuade hardline skeptics.

         Incredible, utterly incredible. Thought provoking too. By that I refer to a couple phrases in Daniel’s statement.  He didn’t say  “couldn’t talk.” He had said “can’t talk.” Nor had he uttered “sat around all day.” Daniel had said “they sit around all day.”

         Phrases using the present tense! Good Lord above! Was it possible?…

V

         It’s been nearly 44 years since World War II ended. During that span billions of words have been written about Adolph Hitler, the madman who started the fireworks that didn’t cease until 70 million had died.

         After rising to power he was often referred to as “the paper hanger.” The world also knew him as Der Fuhrer and Herr Shicklegrubber. And a whole host of names much too vulgar to print here.

         Adolph was a fiery speaker who held no secrets. He screamed his plans to the entire world: “Deutschland Uber Alles.”…Germany over all! Hitler dreamed of a Third Reich, a system he proclaimed would rule this earth for 1,000 years (lasting about 15, he missed by a mere 985 calendar units).                                                          

         A lotta’ familiar terms are connected with that infamous era of history. Brown-shirted storm troopers…thugs in uniform who forced the German population into compliance. Helping out was Heinrich Himmler and his Gestapo. Folks, I’ve read every printed word about these fine, charitable organizations who specialized in terror and torture.

         A goose-stepping army called the Wermacht that resorted to “blitzkreig warfare,” a surprise tactic used by panzer divisions to flatten other European armies before they knew what had hit ‘em.

         Dunkirk and Dieppe, U- boats, the Luftwaffe. An insane Rudolph Hess parachuting into Scotland in 1941. Podnuh, I’ve read all the printed material pertaining to these matters.

         A pure Aryan race of blond, blue-eyed supermen, swastikas, the Fatherland. Man for, for 44 years I’ve studied all such junky propaganda. Most of this garbage dealt with and proved beyond all reasonable doubt that man’s inhumanity to his fellowman has no limits, knows no boundaries whatsoever. There ain’t nothing under the sun this biped creature called man won’t do…hasn’t already done.

         Field-Marshal Erwin Rommel and his famed Afrika-Korp; the eastern front; the western front; Hitler’s Youth Movement; concentration camps with gas chambers and crematories…Jewish inmates; Nazi Germany. Familiar terms to history buffs. I’ve spent thousands of hours flippin’ pages that laid the whole sordid mess out in detail.

         Stalingrad, the battle of Bastogne; lend-lease aid and naval convoys to Murmansk; the Wermacht marching into Sudetenland and taking over without firing a shot. German paratroopers dropping into the Low Coutries against little or no resistance…Hitler dancing a jig on his triumphant entry into Paris.

         I’ve read volumes,studied thousands of still-photographs, watched every “Movietone News”reel as they flashed across the big screen at Mr. Jack Reel’s Narrows Theater during the years 1939-1945. Folks, I thought I knew a tad, just a teensy-weensy bit about those tumultuous years of World War II.

         But then along comes Daniel to unload this blockbuster news about the most terrible of all “experiments” carried out at Nazi concentration camps. One where humans were bred with gorillas, orangs, chimps, gibbons and a varied assortment of other simians. Earth shaking news and, if true, the most deplorable event to come out of an era filled with horrifics.

         This one, at least until now, had been kept under wraps, and it served to remind me just how durned little I did know. It served another purpose too. Hearing Daniel speak in the present tense gave me a severe case of heebie-jeebies. At least to myself, the implication was crystal clear. It bids an ill-omen to the segment of our human race that escaped this heinous atrocity, and thereby remained “pure and untainted.        

Anthropoids and humans! Pitchin’ woo…mixin’it up! Might it be possible that such an unholy “experiment” is on- going, still active even unto this day?…

VI

Perhaps Daniel had laid the devastating news on us out of confusion, maybe such an unthinkable nightmare came only in his dreams.

         If truth is here, and I’ve no reason to disbelieve this man, then a fella’ can draw only one conclusion…our world is in great jeopardy, facing it’s biggest crisis since the evil Dr. Frankenstein shuffled nonchantly into his lab and commenced makin’ monsters. Without doubt the darkest chapter in our history, a history that’s known many shadowy eras. Those cold, calculating THINGS emerged from that nefarious laboratory and roamed uncontested throughout the countryside, striking terror into the hearts of every decent human they happened to meet. Even an evening stroll to the barn for the purpose of milkin’ Elsie became a perilous journey.

         I mentioned these facts to the assembled crowd in Lighthouse Restaurant that frigid morning, watched as their rosy faces turned to an ashen pallor. Such a change occurs when blood begins draining from upper to lower body extremities. Chalk it up to sheer fright, pure and unadulterated!

         A nervous, excited buzzing began as the realizationstruck home that such an “unholy experiment” had but one meaning…man had sunk to the very lowest plateau, even below worms and snakes. Damn… was there no end to the evil man concocts?           

The inherent danger that such unholy tinkering, if

successful, poses for mankind cannot be overstated. Remember now, Daniel has looked at pictures (my repeated requests to view those photographs have, at least until now, fallen on deaf ears. Daniel simply will not share the bombshell evidence pertaining to man’s descent into cesspools of iniquity ). Danny’s continued use of present tense phrases strongly  suggests “we ain’t outta’ the woods yet.”                                                                                           The atmosphere inside Lighthouse Restaurant charged as with electricity, every diner felt themselves hit with a shockwave equaling a 7 on ye olde Richter Scale.

         I very much wanted to believe some misinformation had been passed along to Daniel, thus decided to explore that avenue a tad further. Ladies and gentlemen, we are dealing with a matter with the explosive potential to cause great upheaval in this already troubled world. It’s my humble opinion that a complete and thorough investigation is absolutely essential ( for several weeks I’ve been doing just that ). Folks shouldn’t run into the streets hollerin’ fire  before blaze and smoke are seen.

         So then, a careful review became top priority, at least for myself. We’re talking about a jumbled mixture of apes and humans. It’s vital that we be meticulous, sift carefully through this matter, have our facts correct, and all our ducks in a row. Hell man, I don’t want to be party to causin’ a world-wide panic!

         I was filled with questions for the man who has sold more apples than has been picked in Washington State orchards. “Daniel, is it possible you’re confusing this thing with Mr. Darwin’s theory of evolution? He’s the gent who says our ancestors jumped from a tree limb and landed on the ground as the creatures we are today.”                                                     

         “Uh, uh, uh… that’s the biggest bunch of baloney I ever heard!” Daniel sounded quite emphatic in expressing his thoughts. Being an avid reader of the Bible, he knows that first chapter is the world’s greatest tool against Darwin and his crowd of babbling, moronic idiots. The choice is yours...Darwin or Genesis!
“You’ll get no argument from me on that point,” I let him know. “Not in a million years.”

         That was the moment when an uneasy notion hit with the sudden-ness of a lightning-bolt. Knowing the no-nonsense, straightforward demeanor of Daniel, an intriguing possibility arose.

         Let’s make uneasy notion read uneasy probability. Heaven help us, I thought. Daniel is on solid ground…