People Who Know Everything

         Every living person is keenly aware that ours is a world populated with vast numbers of “people who know everything.” America in particular has lotsa’ these young Einsteins. As a matter of fact, I’ve lately come to believe we might be blessed with an over-abundance of ‘em.

         But even so this should come as good news to millions of folks such as you and I…just plain old ordinary, sub-human imbeciles who are never quite sure if it’s midnight, or the time of day when Gary Cooper stepped into the dusty streets of a western town to face a trio of vicious gunslingers.

         Scattered along life’s highways are many pitfalls, waiting to gobble down any and all blockheads who happen along. Ya’ see, everything works against us, thus dummies can hardly be expected to make it down that rocky road alone.

         We need someone to lead us by the hand. Why man!…average, run-of- the- mill people are beset with all sorts of problems. Allow me to tell ya’ about a couple of ‘em, puzzlers that are “loaded to the gill” with potential to cause us woes.

         Strange as it might seem, we ignoramuses occasionally become hungry…at times thirsty. A duo of powerful yearnings which must be sated, yens that absolutely refuse to take no as an answer.

         At first glance one might think solutions to this pair of irksome woes might be simple. Well yes they are…fer “people who know everything.”

         These sages, when hungry, send heapin’ portions of foodstuffs slidin’ down gullets to enter growlin’ tummies. Parched throats are soothed  by gulping down tall glasses of cool, clear, thirst-quenching water.

         This sounds rather easy, yet it presents major hurdles for morons like me. Because it’s like this…people living on my side the track don’t know  where the watering-trough and feed-grain buckets are. Just don’t worry about it though. A prolific number of “hi-tech whiz-kids” are out there to offer invaluable assistance in helping to find our watering holes and utensils containing energy-giving oats.

         There’s a whole raft of stuff goin’ on these days which this simpleton                               just plain doesn’t understand. This is neither surprising, nor a big deal; a lotta’ things are way over my head.

But my dumbness has never been a cause for major concern. You millions of other woodenheads might wanna’ sit up and pay special heed…good news is here! Just settle back, relax, and don’t fret about hidden snags which may pop up as stumbling blocks to bar your path. No sir, don’t dare push that panic button. “Masterminds” are always nearby looking out for our best interests All bases are covered, the situation under control.

When confronted with riddles ya’ can’t quite unravel, don’t despair. Just remember these two basic rules…first, keep yer cool. Secondly, take solace help is on the way. Shucks man, it ain’t even necessary to request assistance…it’ll come voluntarily. At times, even shoved down yer throat (courtesy ever-increasing intrusions into private lives by silly government agencies. Namely the CIA and FBI. Respectively, Collective Imbeciles Association and  Fumbling Bunch of Idiots.

Yeah good buddy, make a special note of what is imparted here…”people who know everything” are always standing nearby,usually just an arms-length         away. In these modern times it’s not too far-fetched to believe several of these dudes might be hidin’ behind every tree, lurking neath every stump and bush.

They’re everywhere; lift any rock and at least 15 will come runnin’ out. Just last week I completed a covert survey right here in Giles, a teeming county numbering 17,000 vibrant souls. Amazingly, 7,342 of the “home-grown geniuses” were uncovered residing here in our midst.Knowing this will surely allow sleep to come much easier. Everything is A-Okay!        

         I’d very much like to believe these “bright boys” can find solutions, even a small number, for the problems nagging so persistently at our world. But somehow I don’t have a strong feeling of confidence. Let’s just say I wouldn’t bet huge sums of money on their success.

         Because I have this sneaking suspicion. I believe “people who know everything” ARE THE PROBLEM!…                 

                                                      II

         Across many years I’ve noticed a curious working relationship between elected officials and  “people who know everything”  (they are, in many instances, one and the same).

         Now it’s perfectly true that officials must display tact, etiquette, protocol, etc. Office-holders can’t use everyday street talk ( except, of course, in executive sessions  held behind closed doors. That’s where all policy is hammered out. Back there in the closet politicians cuss just like normal people, usually venting their ire on the voting public. If you’re the private citizen who gave ‘em some static last month, then pal, you’re the  topic of discussion).

         And so, politicians and  “people who know everything”  have something very much in common; they exercise good taste when speaking in public. But express their true selves “way back yonder” in  executive session.

         But I don’t need to be mannerly, which in reality is merely a polite way of “passing the buck.” I’m relatively free from fears of boycotts, lawsuits, circulating petitions with thousands of signatures demanding my immediate resignation, threats of economic sanctions.

         (For a lifetime I’ve heeded the advice of money experts as regards my vast and far-flung financial empire. Their info has been sound, and it’s paid off handsomely. Just yesterday I received one of those end-of-the-month statements from my banker. Following 45 years of dirt, sweat, back- breaking labor, and practicing financial frugality, my bank-account has ballooned to an astronomical sum totaling $3.47. All lawsuits will be welcomed in a warm fashion).

So then, I refer to “people who know everything” as wackos, oddballs, kooks, creeps, freaks and weirdos. All these terms are fully interchangeable with  “people who know everything”. This covers the entire crowd at MIT, Cal-Tech, and that nefarious group known as the ACLU. Let’s lump the entire faculties at every university across this broad nation right in there with ‘em. The latter group is about the nuttiest we have to offer.

Nope, we beetle-browed imbeciles with sloping foreheads need not worry about making decisions or tending to our own affairs. The woods are teeming with eager intellectual giants who are most anxious to relieve us from those cares…they even insist we allow them to manage our personal affairs!!

Ya’ see, it’s like this. We live in this modern age of computers and robotics ( there goes the tax-base. Machines don’t file on April 15^th). And now, heaven forbid, another entity has arrived on the scene…the “futurist”.

This nut is responsible for hatching out a large percentage of the silliness we’re witnessing today. A lotta’ the upheavel can be deposited right there in his lap. He’s just getting warmed up with hare-brained ideas though, the best is yet to come.

Thanks to these quacks bigger and better things are just around the bend. According to their rantings we’re gonna’ live in a Utopian land where work is no longer necessary, with milk and honey flowing freely for all (course now, they might get us all killed in the process, but what the heck? Ya’ can’t always have yer cake and eat it too).

Now neighbor, you can daydream along with these crack-minded fugitives from mental-institutions if you so desire. But I don’t think I’m gonna’ purchase that bill of goods.

It’s impossible to run away from these Einsteins, ya’ can’t even lose ‘em in a crowd. They pop up everywhere, and I’m assuming they’re one of those necessary evils we must learn to endure. This fact was driven home to me with sledge-hammer force just a few days ago.

I was walking along a peaceful country lane, making a strenuous effort to mind my own business and wishing like hell these intellectual pests would do likewise. I’ve always been a clumsy oaf…my brogue scuffed a rock, causing it to become dislodged from it’s resting place of 50 million years.

Six strange looking figures scurried from under the stone, scattering helter-skelter in as many different directions.

“Hey,” I yelled at the fleeing anomalies. “Who are y’all and where did you come from?”

Their leader, already a considerable distance down the trail, cast a fleeting glance over his shoulder to reply:  “We’re people who know everything.”

Holy Hannah! If that many escaped to roam the countryside in a pack…well, the very thought was unsettling. Our world could suffer irreparable damage in just a few short hours.

“Come back here and get yourself under this rock,” I ordered. They didn’t obey, just kept on hightailing it. They’re out here somewhere now.

Do yourself and the world a good deed; be on the lookout for these “people who know everything.”  If you spot the critters, get a lasso around their necks, muzzle ‘em, and try to get ‘em penned in a cage.

The End

M. L. Wilkinson

October, 1986