Pyramids

1

        From a thoroughly reliable source of “insider information” I’m hearing some heartening news, a tid-bit sure to be welcomed by people who reside in this neck-of-the-woods. If true, what we’re about to witness will be the greatest thing to come our way since Celanese Corporation of America decided to locate here back in 1939. Honestly, if a certain plan works out as envisioned by a group of far-sighted men, the role of Celanese and all other factories will shrink to insignificance…their presence will be of only minor importance.

         According to my informant, a gent who has access thru many doors, Narrows town council has, for the past 6 months, been holding a series of “closed door sessions.”

         This in itself is not an unusual practice for governing bodies.  I mean, look at it this way. Public officials, elected by the public to conduct public business, oughta’ carry out those affairs behind doors locked tight! What the devil does John Q. Public expect anyhow…cream with his peaches?

         But in this instance the course of action used by council is fully justified; indeed, they’re left with no alternative. This group is currently knee-deep in talks which, if successful, will greatly enrich the lives of all Giles Countians.

         Without doubt our geographical location is on the verge of becoming, overnight, the wealthiest spot on this orb known as planet Earth. Relatively unknown in international circles now, Giles County is gonna’ find itself  thrust onto the world scene, soon playing host to peoples from  both the North and South Poles, Europe, Asia, Africa and all points between.

         A sudden influx of humanity is in our immediate future,  creating a volatile situation  from which major problems might arise ( a comprehensive study is already underway, the purpose of which is to reach concrete conclusions on how best to handle the impending stampede.  Four members of Town Council have enrolled for three weeks of night classes at New River Community College, with the fifth lawmaker opting for a mail-order correspondence course. I’ve been told his choice of learning was chosen at random from an assortment of matchbook covers ).

         Tourism, as everyone well knows, is big, big business.Any locality that owns an internationally famous landmark is a rich community, ya’ can bet yer wardrobe on it.

         Now then, it’s true we have some scenic mountains, and several streams which visitors to our area say are the cleanest in the whole doggone land. But let’s be honest with ourselves, look truth right in the eye. We’re sorely lacking that sure-fire “lure,” that one world-famous monument which can bring tourists flocking to our fair County with zillions of dollars burnin’ holes in their pockets.

         This chronic need is about to be rectified. For more than six months a body of local politicians have been involved in serious negotiations with the Egyptian government.

         Ladies and gentlemen, Narz Town Council is wantin’ to buy the Great Pyramid of Cheops…

2

         It was nearly 5,000 years ago when Khufu, a Fourth Dynasty Egyptian Pharoah, called in his top aides and gave ‘em the sad news: “I ain’t gittin’ any younger, and this Pharoah feels he’ll soon be kickin’ the bucket.”

         Actually, those Egyptian VIP’s thought otherwise in their youth. Spry, full of water and vinegar, their thinking went something like this: “Man, I’m a Pharoah, blessed with eternal life! Ain’t no way I’m gonna’ die!”

         The years whizzed rapidly by. Wrinkles came, hair grew thinner, aged bones creaked as rusted hinges on a door. They began expressing some doubt about lingering on forever. It had taken a lifetime, but the Pharoahs finally knew the fallacy of their silly youthful thinking. That’s when they faced reality and said: “I’ll be kickin’ the old bucket any day now.”

         Khufu, also called Cheops, continues his somewhat gloomy theme: “Ain’t no two ways about it, my doctors say I’m a goner…the end is near. Might as well git busy buildin’ my burial chamber.” Pausing to allow that bleak forecast to sink in, Khufu was almost certain a faint smile appeared on the face of his second in command. Slightly upset by this sign of disloyalty, he went on to say: “And hear this. Mine had better be the biggest and grandest tomb in these parts. If not, off comes yer heads and a slug outta’ yer butts.”

         There is a saying…”when E.F. Hutton speaks,  people listen. Likewise when a Pharoah makes a statement!

         Bright and early next morning a huge labor force assembled on the desert sands at El Giza and the work whistle blew promptly at 7:00 A.M. That crew of peons became busy like a hive of bees…construction on the Great Pyramid of Cheops was underway.

         There you have it, the most common explanation for these limestone “sentinels” which stand a never-ending vigil over the shifting sands…they were erected as a final resting place to ensure privacy for the Pharoahs. Tombs of stone are mighty helpful in guarding treasures too…all that gold    and trinkets accumulated during a lifetime were buried right alongside. Please note that people haven’t really changed all that much in 50 centuries…they still want to “take it with “em.”

But now listen here pal, and listen well. The above isn’t the sole explanation for that strange “Horizon of Khufu” standing out on yon desert. It may not even be the correct one!

Thousands of books have been written in vain attempts to explain the pyramids, thousands more are certain to roll off the printing presses. I’ve read most of the paperbacks, and a funny thing happens with each reading. They succeed only in compounding one’s puzzlement…I’ve long been adrift on a sea of  bewilderment.

So then, lets delve deeper into some of those explanations. A few are         

perfectly logical, others feature just a dab of sanity, many are in the gray area known as “The Twilight Zone,” and a whole raft of ‘em are the deranged ravings of escapees from mental institutions.

         Meanwhile, secret talks continue between Narrows town council and President Hosni  Mubarek of Egypt. Held regularly on a monthly schedule,  these gabfests shift bi-monthly from a town hall on the banks of Dry Branch in downtown Narz, Virginia to the palatial grandeur of ancient Egyptian settings. Last month our council persons were whisked away in “cloak and dagger” fashion and flown to Cairo. I’ve been told considerable progress was made at that pow-wow.                                   

         Folks, let’s lay our cards right out on the table. Most of us are undergoing  hardship in these trying times. But with our council onto something this big the pendulum will surely swing, very rapidly, from gloom and despair to a dawning of golden opportunity. Their logic is simple, easy to follow. Certainly council members have chosen the right tool to make it happen.

         The Great Pyramid of Cheops would, you must admit, be one helluva’ “drawing card.”

3

         In our topsy-turvy world where hardly anything makes any sense, pyramids remain the strangest of all riddles. The truth of that statement is easily proved. To do so, every living person needs their personal pyramid for study and close scrutiny. This is much easier than one might think. You can, to use a popular adage, “build ‘em from scratch.”

         But listen, and listen well. Anyone who constructs an edifice of this shape ( you can make ‘em any size, using any material available ) can expect the unexpected. Rest assured friend, the bizarre will occur before your very eyes.

         For example, it’s been 32 years since I’ve purchased a pack of razor blades. Considering I don’t own an electric “whisker remover,” nor wear a nasty lookin’ beard, an obvious question is raised: “How can that be?”

         Neighbor, you’ve already been told how an aura of mystery surrounds objects with a pyramid shape. In the year of Our Lord 1955 I built one of those “thingamuhjigs,” measuring only 6 inches in height and made entirely of cardboard.

         Into it’s peculiar shape was placed the last blade I owned. People, fer more’n 3 decades I’ve witnessed the amazing powers of pyramids. Not one speck of rust has ever appeared on that thin sliver of metal. It’s keen edge is as sharp today as when it was forged in a factory owned by the Gillette folks. Just another in a long line of  miracles made possible by the pyramids.

         I’m not a miser who squeezes a nickel til that buffalo sheds tears, nonetheless the tremendous savings I’ve realized over those many years is deeply appreciated. Thank heaven for 7-Eleven…fer pyramids too!

         Quite naturally the astromoners have stepped into this picture. Long, long ago they commenced “gittin’ in their two-cents worth.” These dudes who spend lifetimes gazing thru telescopes feel quite certain the Great Pyramid is somehow connected and relates directly to the stars.

         Far too often these “professionals” are a bigger mystery than the pyramids themselves. Weird indeed are their opinions ( even on the darkest of stormy days the tomb of Khufu cast eerie shadows…shadows which should not be. I’d like to be in that neighborhood when the next spell of bad weather hits Egypt. Maybe scratch my noggin and and try to figure out jist what in hell is  goin’ on ).

         Most star-gazers think the Great Pyramid is itself a living entity, alive and breathing. An alien sentinel; watching, waiting…watching, waiting. Almost surely that monument to a Pharoah knows the future!

         Astronomers are real durn explicit in predicting just why the Pyramid bides it’s time. These forecasts by the experts are frightening and unsettling ( world-wide panic will surely result if too much news is leaked , thus very little information is being released at this time ). Lets all keep our cool , and hope some semblance of order prevails.

Such might, however, prove impossible. If the astronomers are correct we’d better get our jocks strapped a notch or so tighter. Cause times are gonna’ get real, real hairy. The great Pyramid of Cheops  knows all…

4

Our subject, pyramids, is an intriguing one, and UFO buffs have made it doubly so. These individuals and their organizations have long proclaimed the existence of  “flying saucers.” You can bet yer bottom dollar ufologists will be on the scene when pyramids are a topic for discussion. Way back in 1947 was when they began educating we’uns about these strange structures made of stone.

First, for the benefit of that small handful of humanity who haven’t heard, a brief summary to bring ‘em up to date about ufologists. According to their doctrine our sun and earth are not the center of this universe.

Mind you now, these people are hardcore, adamant in their beliefs. They’re sayin’ intelligent life is liberally sprinkled  throughout the cosmos, not only in our own Milky Way, but in other galaxies as well ( they’re probably right. One particular scripture in the Bible seems to support their views: “In my Father’s house are many mansions.” His house, so ufologists tell us, is the entire universe. And these mansions are planets capable of sustaining intelligent life. Note carefully that word, “mansions.” Not singular, but the plural form. Skeptics have a hard time explaining this one away ).

The spotlight should be focused on 3 specific organizations for keeping us informed about flying saucers and pyramids. This trio of clubs have offered huge doses of enlightenment over these past 4 decades. They are NICAP, MUFON, and APRO. Abbreviations which mean, respectively: National Investigative Committee for Aerial Phenomena; Mutual Unidentified Flying Object Network; and Aerial Phenomena Research Organization.

And guess what? From across light-years of interstellar space every durn creature inhabiting those alien worlds are comin’ to visit us. They’ve been doing so for millions of years, and ufologists say these space-voyagers always leave a “calling card.” One such “card” is the Great Pyramid of Cheops.

Fomalhaut is a star located 27 light-years from Earth in the constellation Piscis Austrini. Orbiting that massive celestial body are 102 planets, one of which is called Zeebeedee.

Five-thousand years ago a spacecraft from that faraway alien world entered earth’s atmosphere and hovered above a barren Egyptian desert ( I’m not certain what speeds that craft reached on it’s journey to Earth. But let’s suppose this scene is reversed, and earthlings are about to depart for Fomalhaut. We’ll need something much better than our space-shuttle with it’s top speed of 25,000 mph. Traveling at that speed, we’d arrive on Fomalhaut 560,000years from now! I’ll bet the bank we ain’t goin.’ ) It’s seven occupants were humanoid figures who stood only 4 foot tall and had oily skin of a green texture. The alien pilot looked at his navigator and said: “Here we’ll leave our calling card.”

Using their incredible UFO’s as levitation machines, giant stones weighing 3 tons each were hoisted hundreds of feet into the air and set in place ( Zeebeedee produced some great stone-masons. Ya’ can’t slip a thin page of a newspaper between the joints ). This then, according to the UFO crowd, is how those mysterious structures came into being. Hellsfire man, ancient Egyptians didn’t lay a single stone…didn’t mix not one batch of mud!!

UFO buffs claim the Great Pyramid is a “beacon”, a homing device for intergalactic starships arriving in these parts from remote corners of an endless universe.

Entering our solar system as they zip past the orbit of Pluto, incoming UFO’s pick up those beep-beeps emanating from the Great Pyramid and follow them right to bluewater Earth. Look skyward on a clear night…you can see one or two, maybe half a dozen of  ‘em!

If’n Narrows town council has it’s way you’ll see something else. The hearts and minds of these gentlemen are set, there’s no turning back  at this late juncture. They’re gonna’ purchase  Khufu’s burial chamber and re-erect it at a location just east of our town limits! Local historians, and archaeologists too, are gonna’ have a ball!…

5

It was about a year ago when President Mubarek said to himself: “I’m sick and tired of hearing ufologists  crow about how extraterrestrials are responsible for building the Great Pyramid of Cheops. My dear old ancestors built that beautiful structure, and any person who says otherwise is a cotton pickin’ liar. I’m gonna’ sell the damned thing!”

A momentous decision this, involving the most magnificent and enduring of the original Seven Wonders of the world. Let it be stated that Mubarek’s brainstorm could not have been realized without the full blessing of both his Cabinet and Egyptian Parliament ( tryin’ somethin’ sneaky would’ve gotten Mubarek tossed to the ravenous Nile crocodiles, or pitched headfirst off’n the Aswan Dam ).

The government reasoning followed this line of thought…the desert skyline at El Giza  had become dull, drab. Commonplace. Fellow Egyptians and tourists from around the world had gazed upon this sight for 50 centuries. Come now, monotony can set in after lookin’ at the same old thing for 5,000 years. No doubt about it, interest in the Great Pyramid was waning, practically nil it was. The modern world was leaving them behind…change was needed in Egypt!

Today’s “curiosity seekers” want to look at rocks from the moon’s lunar surface, or climb aboard a space-shuttle and head out fer Mars ( being absolutely terrified of  height, this chicken will stay right here with both feet firmly entrenched in terra-firma. Besides, having watched “War of  the Worlds” 92 times and knowing what those dastardly Martians are capable of, I want no part of them dudes. Can’t understand why anyone would ).

Calling his top aides aside, Mubarek  whispered his instructions: “See if you can find a sucker out there who’ll buy the durn thing.”

         Like raging wildfire the news spread world-wide, but to their utter surprise and dismay not one ‘taker” was found. Now it’s common knowledge that this old world is full of innovative entrepreneurs, shysters lookin’ to make a fast buck. What was wrong with ‘em anyhow…didn’t they know a good thing when lookin’ at it?

         It was plain as the nose on yer face…those “get rich overnight” schemers didn’t have the gumption of a goose! The deal of a lifetime dangled before their greedy eyes and the smart-boys didn’t even recognize it as such.

         Many comments were directed at the Arab leader: “Mubarek has lost a considerable number of marbles.” Still other were saying: “Several of his oars are outta’ the water.” The snide remarks were unending: “The Prez ain’t wrapped too tight.” And some thought: “His elevator don’t run too high up the skyscraper.” Digging remarks these, cruel, hardly befitting the leader of the world’s longest surviving civilization.

         Surely here was gimmickry, a gigantic hoax. Make no mistake, the world in which we live is a con-artist’s paradise. One must tread carefully, make his moves with the utmost of caution. Too many of their fellow entrepreneurs ( who in most instances are themselves con-men ) had recently fell victim to flim-flam slickers. Such is cause for red-faced embarrassment (serves ‘em right, true justice is done ). Goodness sakes alive!…this was even sillier than that idiotic thing about selling/buying  the Brooklyn Bridge!

         A product for sale…but no buyers. The Egyptians were totally dejected.

         But just when all seemed hopeless in rushed an aide to exclaim: “Mr. President, some heartening news to soften your gloom. We’ve just learned of a place in America where we can possibly do business.”

         “You’re talking about Washington, of course,” President Mubarek answered.

         “No sir . It’s a small hamlet called Narrows.”…

6

         Having gone full circle we arrive right back where we were several weeks ago…at the beginning. Council is gonna’buy us a pyramid! Negotiations twixt Cairo and Narz are moving along smoothly and the deal is about to be finalized.

         From my informant comes startling revelations about a number of events soon to occur in various locations around the world. In Egypt and on this side of the broad Atlantic too…right here in our own backyard.

         As envisioned in present planning, the Great Pyramid of Cheops ( that strange “Sentinel who keeps watch on the universe” ) will be disassembled at Giza…stone by stone. While being torn asunder those three-ton rocks will be numbered, this to ensure they’re fitted into their proper place during the reconstruction phase to follow here in Narz. We want the Real McCoy, not a shoddy replica thrown together in half-hearted fashion.

         Those huge limestone boulders will then be loaded aboard  ocean-going barges and floated right over to Norfolk. From that coastal city  flatcars belonging to the Norfolk-Southern Railway will transport these displaced stones on the final leg of their historic journey ( many are wondering just where in our area that world marvel is gonna’ be rebuilt. In a jiffy I’ll pinpoint the exact location ).

         I’ve been advised a contingency plan exists if  unforseen snafus rear their ugly heads anywhere along the line. At least one ufology group, probably NICAP, has expressed a willingness to lend a helping hand should any link of the transportation system break down.

         Here is a quick rundown of that plan. The UFO cultists will gather in the Mojave Desert, sit in a tight circle with legs crossed, and chant a combination of mumbo-jumbo and hocus-pocus. In this manner the elusive UFO’s will be summoned in, bringing with them a technology ten-million years advanced from anything known on Earth ( earthlings should adopt a hands-off policy in a moving job of this magnitude. Flying saucers, possessing incredible powers that are describable only as mystical, could lift the Pyramid from the desert floor intact, and in the blinking of an eye deposit the gol-durned thing here at our feet. That amazing ability is known as teleportation. According to what I’ve been reading for 50 years, UFO’s are just that efficient. So then, Narrows town council oughta’ get a contract price from them there Zeebeedeeians for this moving job. For them this small chore is but a thin slice of cake ).

         Several months ago I offered in this column an idea for our Chamber of Commerce to mull over. Perhaps some of you recall…it was recommended Fletcher’s Bottom be converted from it’s present status (a cornfield ) to what it formerly was, an airport!

         My suggestion was greeted with silence, an icy coolness, and finally what sounded like the hooting of 10,000 owls. As a matter of fact the Chamber ridiculed and completely snubbed  my plan. That attitude allowed the boat to leave us, a big old ocean liner laden heavy with goodies to benefit our town and county. That luxury ship sailed over the horizon, never again to be seen by mortal eyes.

         Really though, the reaction of the Giles County Chamber of Commerce was predictable. My track record in this field is a sorry one…to date I’ve offered  27,743 tips about how we could raise the standard of living for our local population. Not a damned one of ‘em has been acted upon!

         But now the frustration is about to end. Because I’ve been told Narz town council has selected Fletchers Bottom as the new home for the Great Pyramid of Cheops ( just think! Egyptians comin’ here to gaze upon a Pyramid. But first someone will hafta’ chase them VPI “experimental farmers” outta that bottom land ).

         Maybe we won’t get an airport. But listen at me neighbor. We’ll be getting one helluva’ substitute!…

7

         Many things in life, especially the good ones, seem to end all too soon. Others, of a seamy nature, move in agonizingly slow motion before grinding to a gradual halt. Bad things go on painfully for decades, forever and unending.

         What you’ve been reading in this newspaper space these last six weeks definitely belongs in one of those latter two categories. But mercifully, relief is at hand. This installment spells finis, the end…there ain’t no more.

         But wait…hold on! We still have one small matter that needs addressing. With mountains of potential for doing good, it might sound strange to hear someone speak out against bringing that Pyramid to our area. I’ve been reluctant to smother any expectations of hope that might have been generated,  but really have little choice. Thus I’m tellin’ council they’d better have second thoughts before carrying through thru with this plan. A dangerous course is plotted, and I hope you folks haven’t already passed beyond the “point of no return.:

         Pyramids! The word has a companion, one which comes to mind automatically, and very quickly…Curses!  None but fools mess around causing commotion in damp, dark pyramids! Such is taboo, regret will surely follow!

         Regardless of what ufologists would have us believe, pyramids are nothing more than burial chambers for ancient Pharoahs and their families, maybe a few favorite slaves, and the personal belongings of all who are entombed therein. Their mummified remains have rested peacefullyfor thousands of years. Hear then a bit of advice…any modern-day person who would interrupt, or desecrate, that eternal sleep will rue the day! That person is gonna’ wish he’d never been born!

         It’s not my desire to cause undue alarm, but a warning is needed here, one which can’t be stated too strongly…there’s hell to pay when a disturbed mummy runs amok!

         A disturbed mummy is a distraught mummy. Can you imagine the trauma of meeting a murderous meandering mummy moseying thru a murky mist with mayhem in mind? Shades of Boris Karloff,  Bela  Lugosi and Vincent Price! An unholy trio if ever there’s been such!

         Hells bells fella,’ that’d be enough to scare a fella’ right outta’ his britches. I’d need two gallons of colorback to restore my hair to it’s normal shade. Brrr…gives me the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it!

         Since 3,000 B.C. that pyramid has been home for Khufu, and no one is certain how many of his family and slaves are interred alongside him in those dark corridors. Might be a consarned army of ‘em.

         A difficult question arises here, hard decisions must be forthcoming. Do we really want that Pyramid? Granted, it would bring the tourist dollars pourin’ in. The good life would be ours. Every family in Narz could cook two chickens in a pot. Not just on Sunday, but each and every day of the week ( just think. Egyptians comin’ here to gaze in awe at a pyramid. That’d be a twist ).

         Now ponder the downside. Moving that ancient structure will mean upheaval, turmoil, a disturbance of the natural order. Dire consequences result when one treads into forbidden areas.

         Chaos will prevail in Fletcher’s Bottom if hundreds of mummies resurrect themselves back to life. Property values will plummet overnight. No person in his right mind wants a multitude of mummies as next-door neighbors.

         A closing thought for members of Narrows town council to ponder. I suggest we forget about the Great Pyramid of Cheops. Try striking a deal for the Sphinx.          

The End

M. L. Wilkinson

September, 1987