Send Money, Money, Money!

         Just when a fella’ thinks the goofiness in Washington might be ending, BAM, he’s hit with the realization that the insanity will never subside. 

         How about the latest harebrained idea put forth by Homeland Security? These clowns are seriously advising that belly pods be installed on each of our 6,800 commercial airliners. These glass blisters would house a laser to intercept missiles fired from shoulder launchers. Supposedly these would be toted by foreign terrorists who had infiltrated into the United States of America. They’d be aiming at United Airlines and Air West airplanes winging their way across our nation (clutch yer sides so they don’t burst with laughter). And the cost of adapting those planes? A mere 15 billion dollars!

          I’d like to suggest a saner course of action to pursue in this matter.Let’s insist Homeland Security and Immigration Service officials do their job at the border. This would prevent anti-aircraft fire from being directed at our planes in the skies over our own nation!

         The rest of this essay will be written in the exact manner Homeland Security is perpetrating the biggest scam ever mounted against the American people. A gigantic hoax on a scale never before equalled. So just imagine the pen is being wielded by an “anonymous government spokesman”. It goes something like this….

         Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this regularly scheduled program to bring you this special news bulletin. Pay attention please ,because this communique concerns every American and their personal safety….Our major cities are under attack by a desperate enemy. The danger exists here at the local level too. An increasing number of terrorist “cells” are being uncovered. The enemy is everywhere , here in Giles County too.

         A reliable soirce tells us several terrifying groups of unknown nationalities are massing in Niday, a sprawling urban center just 12 miles up Wolf Creek from Narrows.   

         The latter is a major metropolitan center of Giles County and is in imminent danger of falling to a determined enemy commited to our total destruction.

         Just last week an alert citizen reported suspicious activity along the banks of  Big Stony Creek. Apparently that area is a powderkeg ready to blow.

         Evidently terrorist cells have already occupied Prospectdale, that huge city on route 100 just south of Pearisburg.Saboteurs dot the landscape out there , waiting to blast the next 747 from the skies above Giles County. Scores of  innocent motorists have already fell victim to the brutal interlopers. The evil leaders claim all Americans are “infidels”and all Americans who lived out there have been blasted into Purgatory.

Lurich  is reported to have a heavy infestation of terrorists. We believe they’re armed with weapons of mass destruction , including nuclear capabilities. These barbarians are closely allied with sinister groups operating out of Glen Lyn and the Kellys Tank area just across the state line in West Virginia.                                                                                                  

           Our fellow citizens, be informed that we have armed posses of Minutemen searching tediously for al- Qaida throughout our nation all the way to our westernmost frontier states. These brave men offer a protective shield for American citizens living in our wild and wooly west. But, even using Indian trackers, their valiant efforts have proved fruitless( send us 4 billion dollars and we’ll nab them scallowags before sundown.Send 6 billion we’ll have them within the hour. Send 10 billion and , for a period of 5 years, we’ll save the life of every American 7 times daily.As you’ve probably guessed,saving lives is an expensive undertaking. But take heart, my fellow citizens, knowing we’re the very best in the business)                           .

         Your friends at Homeland Security, protectors of your life and limb, hope all citizens will write their Congresspersons and demand our                  organization be funded an additional 4 trillion dollars.This money will be used to keep the public informed about the perils facing our nation. Your very existence depends on the size of  OUR  bankroll.                                   

         Ladies and gentlemen,let’s shoo that weirdo “anonymous government spokesman” back to the even weirder Dreamland from where he came. You

and I will, here and now, return to the world of reality and commonsense.

         Make no mistake, the conniving game here is MONEY! Yeah

greenback dollars. The above nonsense is courtesy of the FBI( fumblin’

bunch of imbeciles) and their cohorts, the CIA(collective idiots association).These yokels are yelling fire when there is no blaze. They holler inferno when there isn’t a flicker of flame.

         Guess I’ll head on down to the bank and withdraw my rather meager life’s savings. So Homeland Security can save me once again, making a  grand total of  716 times I’ve been pulled back from the brink…. just before

being blasted off into eternity….

M. L. Wilkinson