UDD & SWA1
The teeming population of these United States of America is 240 million. The number of organizations now operating within our borders is 120 million. With the aid of a calculator it took me only 3 days to do an amazing piece of detective work. Ladies and gentlemen, America now has half as many clubs as she has people!! Meaning…we have only two folks for each! Until this past week I’d never before belonged to anything. But my compatriots and I are having this small problem you see. For tears unending we’ve pleaded our case...always our pitiful pleas have fell on deaf ears. On the other hand, people belonging to organizations are getting everything their little hearts desire. The message then is clear. One shouldn’t cry out as a lone voice in the wilderness when wishing his demands be heard. One should join up with an organization…pronto! We have the AFL, UAW, FBI, CIA, UMW, NEA, NFL, NBA, NCAA, NAACP, AMA, 4-H and even two ( CPUSA and ANP…communist party of the United States; American Nazi Party ) which advocate the overthrow of our government. The “order of the day” when referring to organizations is initials only. This is in keeping with our time-honored tradition of being a nation that thrives on chaos and mass-confusion. Using initials only ensures chaos will remain a part of everyday life in America, and keeps our record intact. Each organization has one trait in common with all others. They’re fully convinced that, should their services to mankind grind to a halt, civilization as we know it would crumble and cease to exist within 48 hours. Just 3 days ago the news blasted from over the airwaves that the CTU ( Chicago Teachers Union ) has emerged anew from the Cook County courthouse victorious once again. CTU has amassed an amazing string of wins. In the past 3 years alone they’ve gone to court 647 times with their demands. The score to date…647-0! Bet your money on death and taxes; also CTU. This hasn’t gone un-noticed by the crowd I hang out with. A short while back word went out over the grapevine, and last week thousands of my friends converged on this area. My group sails a sea rife with peril…those choppy waters of dire financial straits. We’re plumb broke , thus were not able to rent those luxurious facilities offered at Marriott and Holiday Inns. Our meeting was convened neath New River bridge in Narrows, and from that clambake was spawned the UDD and SWA ( United Ditch Diggers and Sewage workers of America ). Now we’re chartered! A unanimous decision was reached at our very first meeting…far too many unreasonable demands are being imposed on the American public. The UDD ans SWA have decided to steer clear of that scene, thereby giving the taxpayer a “fair shake.” All we’re asking is a 140% increase in salary, 8 months of paid vacation per year, and a retirement plan that will allow us to “hang it up” at age 35. Considering demands currently being made by others, our proposals certainly fall within the boundaries of reason. Of course when demands aren’t met the only recourse is to “strike.” The UDD and SWA won’t hesitate…we’ll quit! Let’s suppose a strike occurs. Ditches will overflow onto streets and avenues, quite naturally causing a preponderance of water puddles. This will create a dire situation; millions of autos will begin hydroplaning, sailing thru the air ala airplanes! Our “trump cards” however are the noble sewer lines of America. Most organizations must wait weeks, even months, for their strikes to have telling effect. Not ours!! In only two days the sewage-systems of America will become clogged and backed up into every commode in the land. Perhaps I’m being naïve, but I think compliance with our demands will come in lightning-like fashion…instantaneously! So you see, we’re asking for a more sizeable slice of the pie. And since this is the first time we’ve ever asked for anything we deem it entirely proper to order a side-dish. We want peaches and cream too…
The End July, 1998 |
